30.4.17

Bicep curls with white marble weights.

Having a human body is strange… As compared to what?

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22.4.17

Showing mom my installation video. Autonomous vapour holograms of people moving around, sitting on stairs.

Waking up like “dang, my projects are better in my dreams.”

Messaged Kendra: “It’s time to go running!”

We did.

I didn’t come to the Damien Hirst exhibit (lol). I worked on my grant proposal. Amazing how long writing your plans/dreams can take. Gotta find all the right words.

Being in the house alone was a treat.

I added several grand to my grant proposal to accommodate me living alone.

Going to sleep I relaxed into the feeling of no one being around. Nothing like it. It felt like a little squiggly purple line unwinding in my upper back.

Bat/Cat/Fish

There was a basement in Cash’s apartment/Ghost Ship that no one knew about. I went into it and scooped up 40 or so sleeping bats in my arms. I dropped one as I tried to bring them upstairs and I think it hit its head and died, but I had to keep going to try to save the others.

The bats started to wake up and fly around. A girl with short black hair, who lived in the apartment, was freaked out. I was focused on containing the bats in one room, on keeping them safe. Those that had emerged from slumber turned into black kittens (except one that was orange). They were stumbling around… just opening their eyes.

Before transforming one of the bats telepathically told me that the group needed to go through the passageway underwater, that they couldn’t exist in this world for long.

So I went with the group underwater, into a dark river of a different dimension. All the spirits had turned into glowing fish, then… streams of light.

Writing about the dream makes cry. (In a little Bar by Fabrica, on my way home).

27.12.16

In this Midevil village, people occupied abandoned castles for dance parties and squats. The graffiti style around was cute and simple, it featured line drawings of winged lions, dogs, and dragons.   

I was examining a stone room for speaker placement. I was concerned about the roof caving in.

I think the graffiti was some sort of communication tool.

At some point I was swimming in a gray pool.

I liked the dream. 

I spent the day vaguely nervous, being the worst and a failure and not getting it together.

18.11.16

I was out for a spritz with a group of Fabricanti. The air was cool and misty, which contrasted the warm glow of candles on tabletops, and the feeling was relaxed. I woke up to Alexis gently reminding me it was time to get up and told her I had just been with her in the dream. Then I actually woke up and was like “whoa, Inception!”

At lunch Isaac said that now whenever I have a spritz Alexis is going to wake me up.

Midmorning I helped the Maurizio put a thing on top of another thing. The Fabrica store was cleared out and all that remained was a blue dolly with a blue log.

24-dolly

Sylvia said that when you go to Mensa early there is cake. Isaac, Alexis, Coralie and I walked to Mensa talking about how there would not be cake. BUT for the first time ever, in my 1.5 months + two weeks prior,  there was something vegan other than pasta, it was couscous with vegetables. I was elated. For the rest of the day I felt anything was possible.

Angelo did a project where he made up a rumor (the first director of Fabrica was coming back) and told it loudly at the espresso machine, then timed how long it took to get back to him. Our lunchtime gang tried to think of rumors that struck the right balance between outrageous and believable. Here’s what we came up with

  • Alexis making Stefano (IT guy) cry
  • (intern) Giovanni being (CEO) Carlo’s illegitimate child
  • Me being arrested

The people on trial did their presentation and brought Prosecco. We all applauded.

I thought about how the best art is jokes, and how much I love (and have always used) secret notes. When I was on trial I left a note in a drawer, hoping it would become a secret lineage of communication from one trial to the next. Because I live upstairs from the trial flat (and everyone who comes seems to blow out the circuit and then ask for my help) I was able to see that this has come true. This kind of localized communication gave me an idea for an app.

I am excited about developing this idea further, but of course I am already pursuing a big idea. I’m so in the big idea now that I can’t see it now and I have clue what it is about or why I am doing it. Get ur head out of the vapor, child!

Bear

I was playing fetch with a giant brown bear at a party. It was in the type of place one would encounter as a house sitter for the elite. I threw a little fluffy ball high in the air and the bear jumped above my head, elated.

“Wow, bears can really jump!” I found a basket of toys in a living room area and was looking for something bigger to play fetch with, I decided on a yellow rhino with pink spots and then my alarm filtered in and woke me up.

Ambient Pleasant

Mom said to get up because they were inspecting the house for mold, I was looking into pockets for more vivid dream bytes. I had just been looking up at the seemingly endless escalator into the sky at Fabrica. I was thinking about how Fabrica is a symbol of ascent in my dream world.

The landlord’s wife asked if I am living here, I said yes for the time as  I am supposed to be in Europe. She wore a light sweater and light pink glasses that went well with her complexion and white hair. We talked about neuroscience.

My pleasant ambient feeling was only amplified when I checked my email and discovered my visa issues have magically dissipated, I will be in Italy in a month!

Caw and Order

I found myself on a road trip with friends. Benji and I climbed up the poles at a gas station, turned into crows, and flew around making excellent noises.

Later, waiting outside a party, I transformed into an armadillo and hid in the grass until it was time to go back to my human form and dance like a snake to “the new PC Music track.”

 

 

 

 

Everything is Fair

The slain body of a black man lay on the white marble floor of a department store. He was wearing a light blue button down and grey trousers – professional attire. When we showed up for our shifts police sent us away. “Did the cops kill him?” I asked.

That evening at Geronimo, Lynn (former boss) showed up (her and the guests she was entertaining being 1% and all, a $50 entree would pair best with a $30 glass of wine). I was glad I had emailed her to let her know I was still in town. She said she would be getting a new dog. “A lab?” I asked. Yes, a black lab. 

I still feel worker-loyalty to Lynn, but also, I love her and she cares about me, so I made sure to show that I appreciate her. I was explaining my visa situation, then kissing her and her husband (who is also kind to me and interested in my future) on the cheek as they waited for the valet.

My timing at new-job became un-synced. The white East Coast woman, who wore the work of a plastic surgeon with her leopard print top, yelled “do I have the wrong skin color or something? Can I get some service here?” Just then some cops drove by and shot her.

 

8.14.16

I had a dream about a beautiful girl. I woke up wondering where I could find her, so that we could continue to have exquisite sex.

Noah left for the last day of the horse park job and mom went with auntie Doc-Doc to visit grandma. She said “have a good night.” Eternal night of 10am. I said “Say hi to grandma.”

I have been having maybe the same brand of dread-stomach that was my main grind around age 17. It has softened however, because I’m “an adult” now and don’t take it personally when things feel bad.

My mom takes on the weight of the collapse, she is the figurehead of responsibility for all of us. She hides the worst parts from us in her belly – this sweet transparent mass containing clearly visible pockets of worry.

I spend the day shirtless, languoring (a word I use on Sundays) in a house to myself. I get this feeling when I know I made the wrong choices, because they sit there, looking at me from within my poisoned head. It’s a feeling that everything I was holding has tipped over. 

Then I let myself feel that everything is okay, that I can be sweet to myself, that I deserve my own love and forgiveness.