Dream: Benji painting cardboard cutouts at an entrance slapped together from scraps. Old Meow Wolf feelings neon and junk, old wood. A party in the night.

I applied for a 3 year, €1600 per month artist grant in Finland, which I wouldn’t say I’m exactly qualified for. For one thing the application was in Finnish, for another you needed a Finnish bank account number to apply through the online system. But according to the rules I was eligible to apply otherwise.

Being me, there is no way I could have gotten the thing in by 4pm the day of the deadline by post (also, hell is the Italian post office. Everything cost €50, they only take cash, there is a guaranteed hour long wait, and then they scowl at you when your Italian is bad).

Then Juho printed and hand-delivered my application. We orchestrated all this as I was finalizing the application, with a huge dazzling migraine and the smell of the white roses that Sam had just placed on my desk  (with a wink and a “congratulations.”)

29.3.17 II

Design department photos, design department dinner. We all walked to the fish market area for a “casual group photo” after. “Oh no, they’re closed!” I said. The biggest reward in this life is when people really laugh at your jokes.  Drunk guys came and crashed our picture, which was very funny until they wouldn’t leave.

Cantineta afterward, Ainhoa laughing, wiping tears from her eyes: “We’ve got two fat boys, you can take a nap on either”



Xtian sent me a picture of the Colors Magazine book, the same book happened to be sitting on my desk so I sent one back to him.

M: Adam Bloomberg said he stopped taking photographs like the ones in Colors because you can’t break the performance of culture or the power structure of photographer vs. photographed, then he did anti-war photography by making soldiers in either Iraq or Afganistan take rolls of light sensitive paper around.
Also, the curator for photography at TATE Modern gave a lecture about photography as performance which was sick!
Xtian: Damn, and they just had that giant Tillmans show
too legit really
M: I know! They’re making up for not having taken photography seriously in the past.
Xtian: Oh def, yeah now they are trying to get all the “guys”
how does it feel today?
M: Spotify recommended their playlist “Electronic Avant Garde” to me and I am enjoying it! Ha ha, does that make me a plebe?
Xtian: fuck no
it’s probably good
it’s like a computer beating a grandmaster at chess
it’s a computer
it’s like 98.5% right
the playlist might lack how do they say? “The Passion”
M: Spotify’s algorithms are really good. They base it off of user playlist data.
How is Santa Fe today? What it is like sitting on a chair with Colors magazine or w/e?
Xtian: Santa Fe is the funny winter vibe
here comes spring
now it’s winter again
I worry for the sunflower sprouts, but today I am particularly happy.
I got some film back that had some nice images on it, that interview seems to be well received, and my longtime Canadian internet friend is coming to visit me in mid April!
happy happy
M: Here’s a photo of me and my buds!
Xtian: Oh my god looks so sick
No one is wearing yellow though
you gotta enjoy the fancy pizza
M: Oh don’t worry, I will enjoy it. I always have fun and then don’t do work after. My problem is that I have to convince future-me to not go out for more drinks after the free ones and to do work instead 🙂
It will be hard because future me will be tipsy and sociable
Xtian: DUDE
i love
partying with you
M: We need to b partying right now!
Xtian:I know
happy camper!
M: ha ha, I have definitely complained about this before but the beer in Italy is not molto benne
Xtian: vino
its about that there
grand crue
or the bubbly?
M: I don’t know I don’t really get it with wine, I don’t know what I am supposed to like about it. Except I love and drink a lot of Prosecco, as is the custom in Treviso.
Xtian: <3
M: Maybe I just like fizzy drinks, ha ha-
Legend has it that the fountain of a lady in Treviso used to have prosecco come out of the boobs during the big annual party here.
Xtian: oh my god
i want to go there
what is like
the hard liquor they drink?
M: Grappa
Everyone looks at you weird when you order it because they pretend it’s an “old man” drink.
It’s made out of like, grape vines and rodents I think.
Xtian: i will be the one wearing yellow
i can order the old man drink
M: H aha ha!
Xtian: If I wear a full Benetton suit and I get interviewed then it’s like a sure thing right
M: No, wear a Benetton rugby uniform
Xtian: hahaha
The italian rugby team was cool this year
M: There are rugby fields everywhere here. I am always peeing in them at night.
Xtian: they like tried to like trick the english team and shit
ill get in a fucking scrum
break my arm just to try out the free healthcare
M: Good thinking!


New moon. Woke up a little before the sun/alarm. Drank lemon water and yesterday’s coffee and did P90X. Made a breakfast sandwich with leftover mushrooms/onions and did Duolingo rather than clean the crumb-covered-kitchen. (I feel like a mom, I cleaned it like 5 times over the weekend, up after every1 else).

I took The Sabotager to the bike shop and he (the bike shop) again asked if I had been in an accident. No but this was the third time the same problem has happened from simply riding the bike. He said it would  be €35, I gave him a look like “I don’t trust that you will fix the root of the problem.” He glanced at the bike and sighed.

I rode little reliable Jenny-bike to Fabrica with furious energy, going super fast, slowing down for a duck, going super fast again, slowing down for people walking a dog, going super fast again.

I felt so high when I got to Fabrica. Like light exploding from my body. Uncontainable energy. Then I remembered I had put a Vitamin D3 patch on this morning.

Got into Athens Digital Art Festival, #postfuture, out of 1830 submissions from 67 countries.

Went to mensa early with Kendra and Gianni. They taught me how to play basketball. We played basketball. It was fun! I was mostly into the reverb of the dribbling on the opposing building. Kendra and Gianni called me “vampire kid.”

Monica Faggin walked by and asked “Why is M with you?”

Everyone sat in the sun and Ainhoa took pictures with her broken camera that makes everything look dreamy and beachy.

We had to choose clothing from Benetton to go with our Designer Box window displays, I chose a pair of white boxers and a pair of black boxers… (get it… BOXers???)  “um, this is the kind of look I would wear, like to the grocery store, or, um, on a date…”

Ainhoa 2


I worked on the Taike grant application. I drank Prosecco. I cleaned up after Nicolas and Jacopo.

When I woke up and didn’t feel like putting on pants and put on booty shorts. It was sunny too. When it got gray and cold I put on a wool overshirt and Jacopo played Lana del Rey. We went to the supermarket in shorts and jackets, getting evil-eyes from passersby.

“I’m so happy we spent the day at the beach together!” I said.

Just before dozing off, an old guy sitting in a brown chair, said to me in a matter-of-fact tone

“Keep in mind that the earthquake is coming.”

What is the world actually like?


The gig at Django had the exact amount of hyper-energetic fun that I crave to express whenever possible. I’m glad there is a cross-cultural language for the intensity I hold in both my body and music curation ;) ;) ;) Also it was on April Fool’s so my set reflected this, not that it wouldn’t have otherwise. EVERY DAY IS FOR FOOLS!

All the DJs played pretty smart and noisy. I would have danced way more but had to endure many free drinks and kind words.

Like for instance Gabi brought me a beer as we all talked around a table. She went back inside for moment and Cecilia wondered out loud if she might be interested in  me. I got excited about it. Then Gabi and Fillip left and everyone else talked about crushes and stuff.

I was locking up The Sabatager (who broke again on the ride over) when a blue-eyed black-haired boy came up to me complimented my set and gave his condolences about my bike. He was offering me help and I was saying I didn’t need it but then I realized what he was doing was flirting. I was getting his contact when we were interrupted by going to a party in the middle of the city, in a loft apartment with marble floors, a beautiful, minimal record player, and a hammock. Also some cats were around. I later heard it was Luciano Benetton’s grandson’s flat? Don’t know which one he was though.

Everyone was languorous and weed-infused, I was talking with a pretty girl. When she left I lay in the hammock with Cecilia. When we left the blue-eyed boy left with us. Then we had a threesome. Ha ha, just kidding.


Put dead skin cells on.

Walking through rusty water, abandoned lake-pool, big library.

Kids riding their bikes on the path partially submerged in water. I was enchanted by their image, skin matching rust tones. I thought about making a movie here.

Missing trains because of floods. Dark compartments.


Chores take half the day on a Saturday, no matter what. Got computer from Daniel/Kendra’s. Said hi to Elise. They invited me for a spritz later. I said I might come if there was time before going to Venice.

But I didn’t go for a Spritz or to Venice. I cancelled my date even though my outfit was great and I wanted to go to the Arte Laguna opening. I just felt like working at home. Also I didn’t want to be trapped in parties because I would miss the last train, and then to share a bed is to be uncomfortable and to put up boundaries against sex. If it’s not a hell-yeah it’s a no, as they say.


How photography changed identity
Everything is drag.
Genuinely really performing being someone else.

After the Simon Baker lecture (Tate Modern, Performing for the Camera) A big group of us cycled back to Treviso. I got Kendra/Mattia to drive my computer and caught up with the herd of blinking bikes. Quentin and I raced whenever there was a wide path. We all went to Bottegon.

Leo said not to tell Carlo we had been at Bottegon. According to Italians in the know they use our spritz money to fund fascist endeavors (thinking about the nearby “Skinheads TV” tag I wondered if they were connected…) Fuck!

“We should all stop going there and go to Trevisi!” I said, at Trevisi, which is non-fascist place where they play jazz rather than imported/outdated top-forty and greasy-weiner-karaoke-classics. Also the elegant bartender gave us free drinks.

“It’s so hard to get people to break habits” Leo replied. Challenge accepted. Angeles and Kenzi stopped by, said hi and that they were meeting people at Cantinetta. “Bring them all here” I said. They didn’t.

I talked with Stefano, who is arranging the gig on Saturday. “It is a big deal to be invited to play here” he said “this is the most well known underground venue in northern Italy.” “Look at the flier I made in MS Paint” he said.

He emphasized that I should play on the experimental side, upon hearing the stuff on my mixcloud he said “maybe a little less experimental.” I asked if they also wanted me to VJ, that I could do some generative animation with a depth sensor. He said last time they had a spinning logo. I asked if this was a paying gig. “We are getting sponsored by a Chinese restaurant!” I requested that they get vegan options ;)

Leo and I went back home. I made the midnight spaghetti I had been dreaming of.


Christian giving presentation to us in a roof area standing on some kind of structure, wearing a yellow hat. Yellow Light through glass. Someone’s mom. “Well, that’s all” he said bashfully, before swinging down on a rope.

Dragon head, elevator, dry pool with leaves, hot jacket made of plastic. Fixing something on jacket. Red. Waiting for the others. Cantilevered platforms.

Woke up early, made a big breakfast and did duolingo. Took Alexis’ bike back to Fabrica.

Re-edited my prototype video and added music. Much better now.

I walked in the sun, Jenny’s bike repair was only €6. I rode it back to Treviso in record time, not wanting to get off and write a message saying I’d be late. I was only 5 minutes late.

I wrote to Shunsuke asking to hang out, after we had matched on Tinder over a year ago, when I was on trial for Fabrica. We had a short conversation then, about shoegaze and art projects. I liked his tattoo that says: “Born to lose.” I was on the bus home from Venice, after my adventure with C, and I was like “I should do more things.”

He happened to be coming through Treviso, back from Barcelona. He had a red jacket and a gold chain. Dense silver hoops. Black skinny jeans. I carried his luggage up our four flights of stairs. He asked how much I thought it might weigh “40 pounds?” I have no idea what that means, it’s 21 kilos.” “I have no idea what that means.”

We had a walking-beer and a pizza and a getting-to-know-you-chat that outlived the pizza’s heat. He’s from Japan, spent time there and in the US, was in IT, living a double life writing grafiti at night. Moved to Venice to study glass blowing. Got a girl pregnant in Europe sometime before that, which he told to me after much hesitation. It’s true that my opinion of him was lowered (re, “I’m just doing what I want” lifestyle). Apparently he had tried to make it work.

I told him things here and there – brief gig as vegan chef, neuroimaging lab in Australia, everything as fake and dysphoria. He mentioned that on my instagram there was a picture with someone’s butt in Lad Musician. Yes, that’s my sibling, the taper and seaming on Lad pants are so good and they age beautifully. He said “you know a lot!” We talked about fashion. We walked to Bottegon, he pulled me into him, away from a car.

We sat close together, drank two spritz hugo, went back to my place, said hi to Nicolas and Alexis, smoked on the trash-porch. He questioned himself on whether what he was doing was art, asked me if I knew how he could get his work into the world. We stood sort of close. It felt sort of sweet.

In my room he said he probably wouldn’t catch the train. I said I had two beds. He kissed me in that entitled masculine way. It was fine.  I said “I don’t think I’ve ever kissed someone with a beard.”