I was alone in the flat, and the golden hour was filtering in across the kitchen table. I looked out the window and went into this transparent gray, felt somewhere in the center of my balcony. It came out in a steam of iphone notes:

That I am interested in making “art” or expressing “myself” is indicative of my cultural background. How did this background arise?

Why I disavow aspects of the biology that comprise “me” is also mysterious to “me.” Why would a body not like itself? Shouldn’t existence precede essence? 

It is a sticky process to parse what is a reaction to deeply entrenched, created cultures of human history, and what, if anything, is a reaction to biology itself.

I feel more “myself” when I’m very skinny. I feel more “myself” when in an immediate state of joy, laughter, even deep sorrow. Problematically, I feel more “myself” when drunk.

When I’m fucked up, that’s the real me, yeah.

Interactions with others are where individuals are defined. When I’m viewed as intrinsically part of this group that I don’t identify with, dysphoria comes in. What about this group is untrue of me?

Is it something basic? What is basic? Are my urges different from the mean of the group to which I am assigned?

Are the social and the biological as intertwined as society has made them? Am I reacting against the way things are bundled or am I fundamentally uncommon compared to my assigned group?

Is it really just that my intellectual processes supersede my biological ones (though how can anything coming from a human be outside of biology – it’s the same philosophical hole as the construction of “natural”). The brain is the body is the mind is the personality is the self. And there is no neurological basis for free will, and there is no self :) :) :)

But back to examples about biology vs. gender. I still wanna get laid. I’m not an anomaly in that regard. Any sex that I have will be queer, and against the main biological aim of sex drive in the first place.

Of course, many people want to get laid and not to have kids, and that doesn’t make them any less “men” or “women.” But how does my identity differ from those who are comfortable with what they were assigned at birth, or with binary trans people?

It seems like some aspect of gender is intrinsically linked with hormones even if gender just becomes this extension of personality/desire which is continuously and collectively defined by culture.

And that brings me again to whether my sense of not belonging to my assigned gender is simply a rejection of illogical cultural standards, or biological processes, or if it is itself part of my biology/neurology.

I don’t know.

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