7.31.16 2

Sarah and I met at the Big Metal Industrial Sculpture at 7:43. She arrived with the same combo I had brought the night before: Prosecco and Gerolsteiner. We drank out of jars, watching the lightning storm and sunset, talking about Oscar Wilde and how to record thunder. Little ants crawled on our feet.

Once it started pouring we went to my house, where I had left curry slowly cooking. Boy came in soaking wet and told us all about it, possibly blaming us for the rain.


  • I put on a scarf and was transformed into Heidi Klum. “Alveidersein” I said.
  • A man had time travelled from the 1800s and was asking if he could buy my leather boots “These cost $200,” I said “I don’t think you have that much money in the 1800s.” I offered to trade him for something else, knowing I could get more than $200 for an antique.
  • Darcy and I were in a round room with Samantha (cat).


I sent a group text: “The fun thing to do? Okay!” Later I rocked up to Jay St. with a bottles of both Prosecco and Gerolsteiner. Angelo was listening to music with David Grey. I sat down and drank Gerolsteiner and listened to music with Angelo and David Grey. It was dreamy. I was in love with both of them.

David Grey and I sat on the couch and he learned that I had recommended him for his last gig. He thanked me. I said I was glad the gig wasn’t below him, he said it had paid rent. He almost went off to be the head of the graphic design department at CalArts but then came in second place. “We should go clubbing” he said.

We popped the Prosecco and Angelo asked if it would be possible to do a gradient tattoo. I got excited about having an ombre tattoo that goes from my skin tone when pale to my skin tone when tan, so that it changes with the season. Noah and I high fived over our new matching tattoos.

Everyone was siphoned off into whatever else and Angelo and I played with his drum machine app/a series of pedals. He recorded the result. I put on my jacket. I thanked him for letting me crash his party. We talked for a minute more about vegan shoes and New York. We hugged a second time and he said I smelled good. Rose and armpit?


In the morning, on Facebook, neighbors from Jay. St. were saying they missed me and asking where I disapeared.

Xtian and I went to Savers, then Goodwill, then Salvation Army. Xtian got a couple of vintage cameras to play with then flip on eBay, and a Pristine 70’s Synth. I got a MIDI controller with a pitch-bend knob – just what I’ve been needing.

We went to Betterday where a cute person I had never seen before was reading. I spent the duration of my coffee contemplating approaching the person. To every friend I ran into I asked “Do you know that 100% perfect person sitting there in all-pink?” No one did. I ended up approaching them and introducing myself. The cutie’s name is Hank, he just moved here to study at St. Johns. Hank has a sweet smile. “Maybe I’ll see you around” I said, and left.

I went to the gym, worked on a weird beat and made pizza. Then I went to Scuba’s new “Dispatch” opening. Lightning and fireworks outside.

Fonzi and Miles approached. It was pouring rain. Everyone played ☐☐☐☐ in the rain.

After the ceremonial end to the evening (roulette ball) Jess Gantos collected bouquets of balloons and I drove Xtian/MC to Jay St.

Before lights were even turned on, Fabian appeared in the hallway asking for a cigarette. Xtian said “Whoa dude, who are you, how’d you get in here?” I hugged Fabian and said I was sorry for his loss. We went outside. He started sobbing. His friend, a brother figure, had committed suicide live on Periscope. People egged him on. The details of the story make the grief more heavy. I just kept hugging him and rubbing his back, saying that the only option you have with grief like that is to go through it. The only way to counter horror is love and kindness.

He said he was glad I was still on Jay st. I laughed and said I wasn’t. He said he wished he was here under better circumstances. I said that when I come back from Europe in 3 years we’ll have a big party. He asked how Romy was, I let him know about her transition. Fabian was surprised, then said “oh that’s cool, way to go” and said to send his love. He glanced at the house and said that his friend who just died had once filmed a sex video there. “New lore for 1606 Jay St.!” I said – “which room?” Turns out it was mine, formerly Winter’s, now MC’s.

A Good Porch

On Sunday I got up earlier than usual, though I had been up until 4am. I went to the gym and came back hungry. Noah and I went to Pho Kim. Sarah texted, said it was too hot in her house.

Sarah and I went to the new SITE Biennial, soaking up the air conditioning. We talked with John, I talked with Deborah. John had had 3 hours of sleep after his party the night before and the subsequent cleanup. Funny that he had someone gallery-sitting his art show so he could gallery-stand another art show. We went to Tune Up. Sarah and I got beers and John ate. We talked about Pokemon Go and future curation at Radical Abacus.

The relief of a gray evening was welcome, as was the expensive bottle of gin that had been left at the party. John handed it to me and I handed it to Sarah.

I was just having fun being a fish or a dog or a sleepy person, comfortable in my friend’s truck. When I am disillusioned or disappointed in the scene I am part of, angsty, or bored for any other reason, Sarah offers ideal escape into thoughtful and observant conversation.

At the Rat Bag party the night before, curators/artists from the SITE show modulated the usual crowd and an unknown group of people played ambling hippie-music to contrast/compete with the dancy vinyl DJs inside. Angelo asked about if one is attracted to others when in a monogamous relationship, RJ, who was standing between us, relayed it to me, I said “of course.” Angelo said something about hard feelings over romance blah blah blah and I wandered off. “Oh bye!” said Angelo, I winked.

MC saw me and asked how I was, I said I felt a little angry but in a fun way. We talked outside the window, bumming cigarettes.

Me: “Angelo is not allowed to express feelings of heartbreak to me because he broke my heart, doesn’t he know that? Maybe he doesn’t know that because I never told him.”
MC: “No, he knows, John told him.”
Me: “Oh okay, cool, I’m glad someone did.”

The party was dwindling but everyone still wanted to be on drugs and in a room together. Sarah and I wanted to be having fun and neither of us had quite found the vibe, so we decided to blast music and go cruising before settling on what to do next. I did a series of professional-level doughnuts in the Wal Mart parking lot and was immediately pulled over. The cops did a sobriety check.

Cop: “You are really good at this.”
Me: “I am having fun, I feel like a cat.”
Cop: “Are you a cat?”

They told me I could go to jail for reckless driving but they were smiling.

I bragged about my sober racecar triumph and Xtian showed me some of his new photos, which were next-level. Incredibly good. Angelo texted, on his bed and on the floor by the piece of glass atop cinder blocks. Sarah talked with MC in the kitchen, then came in and said “do you want to go to the big metal industrial sculpture?” I drove her home. I drove myself home.

Angelo texted me and Sarah: “hows the martyrs”

Me: hee hee
Angelo: whats so funny
Sarah: NOW u wanna talk?? We were just there
Angelo: well I didn’t expect some kind of disappearing act !!
Angelo: you guys i live with two lovers
Me: All I wanna do is hang out with my friends, and bond with my friends, and love my friends, but it’s time for me to go to bed now.
Angelo: uhh but i wanna bond
Sarah: Tomorrow darling. See u then.

We didn’t. Sarah and I had the most bromantic Sunday. Post SITE/drinks, and after Sarah had found and delivered the Portals Burmuda Hostess costume she made at Emily and benji’s, we were hungry. We went to Tune Up a 2nd time. She asked what my favorite and least favorite parts of the decor were, which was exactly the type of provocative question someone who knows me would ask.

We drove up the mountain with the windows down. The air was cold and wet. Deer were everywhere. “Ladies night!” said Sarah. We slowly ascended alongside tens of does. Arriving at Aspen Vista, we stood on the steps and smoked a cigarette, admiring moonlit trees. A good porch.


I put pea protein powder in my coffee and went to the gym, where I burned up 1,050 calories according to the inaccurate machine, and did 40 push ups + 60 pull ups, shoulder flys with 15 lbs, the remainder 10 lbs.

On the Elliptical I posted a facebook status that read: “Cops were created by white men to protect the interests of white men” and linked an article about the history of the police in the United States (how it was based on “protecting” the property of white men/keeping slaves “in line.”)

No protest to attend in NM. I am a fake ally.


Roving down a flooded hallway with Adhit we passed pallbearers carrying mom’s coffin. They opened the casket. Dad was there, I was crying, mom got up groggily and said that in the dying experience she had a feeling of the most powerful woman in the world.

Parking on a dirt hill for a gathering where we were all to bring childhood relics. I brought Crouton, the small dog passed to me from my mom which I slept with for most of my life. 




I ran into Sheb in the beer section of Whole Foods and he said “you drink beer too?” Then I ran into Caroline and I said “you’re buying 3 boxes of popsicles too?”

After the show  (Low on High, at Skylight, with many friends) Noah and I were enjoying eating toast and watching Rick and Morty. I did a rare thing and cancelled on going to ☐☐☐☐. Then I got texts from all my friends to come to ☐☐☐☐, so I did. 

Iceshelf (mobile gallery) provided light, music, and a space to keep the candy, whiskey, and a thirty rack of Tecate. The cops came and told us to keep it down, not killing any of us because our group was mostly white.

Some of my friends had done cocaine at a party over the weekend and I was disparaging their decisions. Crocket chimed in that using cotton is as bad as the drug war and therefore I was a hypocrite – I retorted that I exclusively buy second hand clothing from brands that are transparent about their labor and supply-chains. Just because some evils are more easily avoided than others doesn’t mean you should do cocaine.

Eventually this won’t bother me as much. When I was first researching the meat and dairy industry (AKA the systematic brutalization of non-human animals) it was hard to reckon with the knowledge that people I love could know these facts and not become vegan. Now I’m like “Peace and love. Everyone makes their own decisions.”

Peace and love. Everyone makes their own decisions.

I made the decision to stay up until 5am, playing ☐☐☐☐ and roulette ball with the posse. So when I woke up to 95* weather with a poisoned dot-head I let myself have a languorous day. I made a lentil bolognaise in the slow cooker and cleaned the kitchen while listening to the most recent Sam Harris podcast on free will (or the neurological lack thereof), which is one of my favorite topics.

Then I sat on the couch and read articles on my phone. In researching the neuroscience of gender I remembered that there’s a pay-wall to access most of those poorly-worded scholarly articles and that much of this research reflects larger societal biases. Big-white-educated-man-science does a bad job of objectively examining gender.

The lentil bolognaise was deep, smart, and had a good sense of humor.


P90X pilates and unending sex drive, a smoothie for breakfast and kale salad for lunch. Slow internet loading new fake Crystal Castles (w/o Alice Glass), wisdom teeth trying to grow in, working on music.