Thank You, I Love You

On the 28th, all my friends and idols came up to me, hugged me, and put money in my pocket. I recommend this experience to everyone. All I could say was: “thank you, I love you.”

Cathy arrived early with a sixpack and asked if I wanted a beer, I said I did, realizing that I did, and that it was now time to break my fifty-day sobriety.

Amanda, Jaque the House, Dirt Girl and Lucci Ferrari DJ’d and 404 Not Found played. I danced so hard. Benji and I danced so hard.  Onlookers commented that it was great to see Benji and I catalyze the dance floor at least one last victorious time.

Angelo came up to me at one point, said “I love you a lot” and held my hand. I responded: “I love you too.” He said “thanks.” 

At 2 Angelo leaned over his turntables to ask if I wanted to play soon or nah. I was like: “It’s 2, I think everyone should go to sleep.”

Instead, 50 some guests flooded the dance floor. I played my “Fuckset.” When I dropped Jerimih’s “All The Time” everyone took their shirts off.   

Cis Het Shit Heads

I voted (democratic primary, Bernie Sanders) during lunch break, then sat on the plaza and ate my veggie sausage sandwich/salad. A guy came up to me and asked me where to get French fries, I told him to get some with green chile. He said where he is from they only have a little bit of spice, here we eat everything spicy. He asked me out, sat down next to me, gave me a candy, offered to buy me a new phone… at first I was amused and thought of taking him to a noise show (he assumes I’ll be open to his culture, or am already part of it, I’ll do the same). By the end I was bored/increasingly uncomfortable (he got closer and closer to me, asked if I knew small hotels for if we like each other after dancing and drinking…) So here’s a good opportunity to use nonviolent communication to avoid ever seeing this guy again. It’s annoying to be put in this position – I wouldn’t be if he knew I was transgender, if he knew I was transgender I would likely be in a more dangerous position. 

By 3pm I was in the mood for a treat and looked up recipes for vegan chocolate chip cookies that use chickpea flour.

Imagine just seeing someone in a park, talking to them, and thinking that you would like to have sex with them, and maybe they would like to have sex with you too. Imagine being cisgender and heterosexual and a man. BUT, thought experiment, if it was the norm to be nonbinary and people small-talked about intersectional eco-feminism, maybe I would swoon for people on park benches on the regular. Would I behave as obnoxiously as some cis-het shit heads? No, because in this thought experiment world people are not socialized to act entitled.

5.20.16

It was too hot to wear a jacket, reminding me to have #summerdysphoria. My therapist greeted me in the garden, showing me his multi-colored iris. In his office was a single antique rose bloom in a silver Nambe vase. 

John picked me up to go to the Stranger’s Collective art opening, which didn’t seem to be curated, and most of the work was unremarkable. Over dinner at Paper Dosa we talked about what kind of communist bookstores I might find in Italy, and where in the world we would like to travel.

We drove back in the near-full-moon light listening to a band-made bootleg of Gauze Veil with the skyroof open.

At home Noah and I played dress up.

5.19.16

Dion and I were walking to work at the same time today. He has been thinking about space. I have been thinking about how there isn’t a self. We went to our desks and tried not to giggle.

After a few new hires there weren’t enough computers for the entire web team at work. Because I am easy going and going away, I am the one who floats from computer to computer.

It is progressively harder to do my job. For one thing, I just learned that the commission raise I was told (verbally) that I would get last year didn’t actually happen, then it was denied that anyone ever told me that. For another, I am not efficient when I’m being kicked off of computers all day.

Today part of the production team isn’t here and I am downstairs. I was working quickly, but couldn’t post anything till Monday when the website redesign would be launched. Google’s spiders crawl over my efforts on a 7 day cycle and by the time today’s work is manifest I will have left the company.

“I just realized I’m Drake” I said. This was weird enough to make Dion and Ysidro crack up.

Jessie came in, asked Dion to print tags for some sweaters. He was inside headphones and didn’t hear. I told her: “He only responds to ‘Big Wayne’ now.”

I made an espresso, put on my sunglasses and continued to work.

“I’m Drake, so I wear sunglasses while I type words.”

Big Wayne and I cracked up.

5.18.16

When I spend enough time by myself I get this pure stillness inside. I love choosing what to do next – or have the illusion of choosing, since there’s no neurological basis for free will ;) The first time I got to sink into this feeling was when I moved away for college. Before I developed a social life there I had so much time to think! Same when I studied in Australia.

When I grow up I am going to have my own space and live in this feeling. When I get tired of it I’ll throw a party.

I left work five minutes early, went to Crocket/Sandra’s cute house, admired their vegetable garden, and got some money for the weed I gave Crocket.

At the R@R@ John was having fun hanging the trampoline skin in different configurations. At one point it looked like a little theatre and we laughed about setting up cinder blocks as actors.

Sandra and Sarah came over for dinner, to sit in the hottub, and to write my Santa Fe Bucket list. I made nachos or maybe more accurately “deconstructed tacos” with apricot/garlic/turmeric rice, chipotle beans, calabacitas and purple cabbage/lime, topped with smoked mesquite almonds. We drank La Croix and ate dark chocolate while planning a four square/heaven and hell night.

5.16.16

(TFW you are about to quit your job and move to Europe)

House sit dog-alarm at 6. I fed them, made coffee, did P990X, and took them for a walk. Then I packaged eBay stuff, went to Whole Foods to replace the yummy organic Rye Bread from my last house sit, went to the post office, and went to hell…

It is giving me a stomach ache to be at work and the thought of writing one more blog worsens this embodied psychological space.  A big steel bar, painted yellow, is hovering in front of my brow and I keep almost hitting my head on it. This is absolutely a waste of me, and no part of me is even in it, save for my time on earth as a living human. I don’t think I should be paid for this because I don’t think I should be doing it, no one should.

Goddamn i h8 capitalism so bad.

5.14.16

After Jewel Pop at Caldera and Tune Up w/Sarah, Benji + Emily, Sarah and I went to the Cross of the Martyr’s.

I checked for the 2005 Real Estate catalogue tucked into a tube under a banco on Otero St. It was still there. Sarah laughed and asked what that was about. As irreverent teens with DaDa humor, Hoku and I placed the catalogue there and told each other that as long as it remained so too would our love.

The smacking smooching sounds of “The Martyrs” at the cross made Sarah and me laugh. When they left we realized the cross lost its meaning and would therefore now be called the “Big Metal Industrial Sculpture.”

At Skylight we got in for free, because we expected to, and felt fine leaving early. Billiam was good. The dance floor was not packed. Xtian and Angelo were there. 

During a break in the well lit hall Xtian said Sarah and I looked cool. “We smoke” I said. We lost them and then neither the top 40 or minimal techno were lit, so we drove off in Sarah’s truck listening to Aphex Twin Ambient Works.

5.11.16

The temperature and sound, specifically the generator humming outside this office, it was copy-pasted from another Santa Fe summer.

…..

Drab Majesty + Gauze Veil @ R@R@. John and I stood on the cinderblock bench to watch the show. Deb (of Drab) remembered me and asked me about my projects. We talked about Europe. I was offered wine and I said I was just leaving. As I left I thought “Oh, maybe we should have made out?”