I am fairly shameless/forgiving of myself and others, but I do feel a need to air out this feeling of being disappointed in myself, and like I lost what could have been a good connection because of, um, being a stupid asshole.
My therapist asked what the largest factors of my identity are – is age important? Connection to arts? Gender? I hadn’t thought about age being very important but mentioned that everyone I have dated since I was 22 has been 22. “What did you not get over when you were 22?” He asked. “Oh!” I graduated college and went from being a person who is smart and doing something to being someone who is stuck. This is also when I started drinking habitually.
We talked about veganism/cocaine, John Cage, Grace Jones/fashion, and body dysphoria. He asked if I am happy with myself, I said yes, but there are things I need to do to become better, happier, more self actualized.
He asked how much I drink – an average of 3 drinks a night, but sometimes half a bottle of hard liquor without thinking, and without much change in my behavior. There was barely a pause before he told me that I would be going for 90 days without drinking, and when did I want to start? I said I would be DJing on Saturday and had plans to get drinks with an artist I admire on Sunday, so it would have to be Monday. He said to “have fun binging.” It was such a relief to have someone tell me what to do.