I ate 8 tangerines, dhal, fried rice, and a salad over the course of the day (also coffee and green tea). Dion asked me for a bite of my salad and said it was good, then we all talked about dressings (mine was spicy/creamy with chickpeas/chipotle).

On Dion’s suggestion, As I re-sized photos, I listened to a talk from Dr Greger, who analyzes every nutrition report over the course of the year. Basically don’t eat animal products, they cause cancer, alzheimer’s, etc.  Also, it literally kills animals to kill them 4 food. 

Tina asked if I had painkillers, I went to 5 and Dime and got some for her along with a cake (Cliff Builders Bar)

Dion wrote: “Rhodia Rosea” on a piece of paper for me after I yawned

Crocket came into the store around twilight (4:30). We had a break to drink apple cider and go joy riding.

Bethany and Dion went over reports, 10% of new customers come in through the web, up from around 3% last year. Don’t know if that growth is good or not good but I am responsible for it.


My dad, Sarah, and I were hiking through illuminated snow to the caves for new year’s eve. It was either someone’s ephemeral new media project that was creating light patterns on the ground, or the northern lights.

The caves were large and well lit. We sat on the ground and watched the otherworldly dancing. Oliver and Corvas were among the performers, wearing sheer capes over naked bodies. They flipped around, holding their weight on their arms, wiggling their torsos like they didn’t have bones.

Corvas noticed me watching and we made vivid eye contact: he was showing me this secret. It was the best dancing I had ever seen.

It became one of those days where I never fully woke up. The dream colored my day. Now all I want to do is dance like that.


Lifehack: No leftovers for lunch tomorrow? Make a pot of dhal just now. The more beers you have had the more garlic the dhal will have – yum!

The more bad you are the more bags of pixel modules will be on your floor.

Sleep until 9. Work at 9:30. (15 minutes of exposure to sunlight). Never set an alarm, just be late to work. And don’t take a lunch break to buy a burrito – $5 is a cheap lunch out but more than the ingredients for a burrito. Plus there will cold grey clots of turkey on your (non menu item) vegan burrito.

A lunch break also costs $6 after taxes, so that’s $13 (+ tip at counter service) for a lunch that could be $2. No sunlight without lunch break though, loose hatchtag $ (#$) for a lunch break though. We could all need a work-buddy to peer-pressure us into any vitamin D.

I wish I could have a cup of chamomile tea. I wish I could stand in a shallow pool of sunlit water. (Again). No one knew that that was what I was doing, hiding tequila at the Rat Rat. Shallow devil in sunlit water. I didn’t see the toothbrush I had stowed there (long ago) there (recently). Sad shallow devil in moonlight. No time for that kind of fast-sadnes. The kind of fast sadnes with 2 s’s only.

Everyone conspiring against me like: “Let’s hang out,” “we love you,” “this will be fun.” It’s true. let’s hang out, I love you, this is fun.

I don’t want to do the work that I don’t want to do, therefore I am lazy.

I wanna figure out how 2 code these depth sensors and not finish my (overdue) project for Meow Wolf. I wanna wire some fans and go to the hardware store. I wanna drink these beers and sing “Glue” with Sean and Noah while there is snow on the porch.

I dislike class structure and the abstraction of labor but do like working hard and pleasing people.

It is so cold in my room but I have a hot water bottle and synthetic covers. I hardly sleep but sleep hard lately, don’t notice parties and can barely visualize my next day b4 crashing on my iceslab…  I only get ½ of what the 3 me’s could do done in 1 night, because every me got sleepy. 

I do the work I don’t want to do out of obligation (+ 2 pay 4 living), therefore I am a sinner. 



I slept till 9, worked at 9:30, but had already packed lunch.

At 10:30 Crocket texted me, we met at 11 and sat in the sun and snow on the plaza. Then at 3 we got coffee. Whenever I take breaks my work output is higher, but I get paid less. I h8 capitalism so bad.

Tonight I am feeling spaghetti, listening to podcasts, and wiring pixel modules. One of the best feelings is when I realize I want to have spaghetti for dinner and then I make spaghetti for dinner. I’ll probably go to Italy, taste spaghetti for the first time and realize everything I love is a lie.

I had planned to go to Meow Wolf to design 1 more board and laser it/send my final diagrams to Zevin, but the internet was down.

It will likely take longer than I think it will to wire pixel module boards, but afterward I am committed to going to the gym and doing maths !

Am I getting more realistic about time allotment? Or no?

– No

Sitting and reading an article about how to be more financially responsible at 7:20 pm. With a beer. Prior to this I drove to Smith’s to buy beer because I wanted to feel happy > anxious. I left the marinara on low during this time, and it turned out deep and flavorful the way that only slow-cooked sauce does. I sort of floated into the grocery store, and smiled at everyone I saw.

Here is something I’ve been thinking: I am not interested in a relationship, I just want to fall casually-deeply in love, and to make out. I feel like it’s easy to fall deeply in love… casually. Can I explain why this feels true to me? Only if you usurp capitalism and the concept of love as ownership. 



At the gym I ran around on the bullshit for for 40 minutes, then did all the stuff with my arms. I probably need to lift more weight because I haven’t really felt sore.

I got all the things at the grocery store for $39. At home Noah cleaned the kitchen and I made hummus + roasted vegetables.

Mom had us pick her up because her car is having a rodent’s nest. My car got stuck in Nodia’s driveway where we were borrowing her 8 track. Noah and I talked about how “Back Up” by Dej Loaf is the most feminist song on pop radio, and also the best song on pop radio. Upon pulling into the tree lot we saw the ideal candidate and tied it to the top of my car with twine. That is probably the spot where every tree will have to be rotated in order to be purchased.

I opened two Marble Reds for Noah and I and mom put Betty Boop on as we decorated the tree. She made mushroom/wild rice soup, Sean came over, and we all played the most sad songs. At the end of the night I was stressed for not getting the work I had planned to do done and mom gave me a hug.

I stayed up till 12:30 or so painting my Pixel Module boards for Meow Wolf as Noah and River watched a Vice documentary on Hot Sugar. They left and I let Youtube auto-play “Menudo” videos until Sean came home. He sat on the couch with his liter of diet coke and watched the Menudo videos.


In a big house, many rooms. Below the house, basement area, not as nice. Looking through neatly arranged archival closets with hand made dolls hanging out in a forest of beads, one could see through to a shag-carpeted living room with a modern lamp. I was thinking that with this much space, used to it’s full potential, many people could live here.

Upstairs, concrete floors with radiant heat. I was in the girl’s room, she said: “they’re so lucky, they have a pool.” The pool outside this house was drained, but further on, through the clean windows of another house, there was a well-lit indoor pool.

I mentioned to the girl that my flirting game may be lacking. She said she would give me some pointers, draped her body around me, and kissed me. We snuck into a bathroom. Someone asked to come in and we vacated. I followed her down the hall. She was wearing a black leather bra. 

We were sidetracked with others at the party so didn’t get to finish our moment. I woke up thinking about continuing moments.

I felt tired and pain – didn’t want to go to the gym

I didn’t want to take painkillers either, so I drank a Java Stout.

Then I wanted a boughten coffee. Java Joe’s on Siler was closed so I went to Betterday.

Josh was working, Cyrus was sitting, and I ran into Shayla. Some 90’s dance music was playing and everyone was bobbing their heads. It was gray outside. They have house made almond milk at Betterday now. As I drove away I saw Vince walking from the Co Op, he was chewing gum and thinking.

I spent the day at meow Wolf, using the laser cutter. Once it was dark Sarah and I went to Duel for discount beer and vegan brautworst. Then arrived at Christian’s opening, “Fire Hydrant” which had clever arrangement to match its content. 

Everyone danced around, as always happens to some extent. Crocket, Sandra, and I played musical-beers until everyone had a beverage they wanted. Lindsey came and later Noah and I conferred about how beautiful we think she is.

Sarah and I left,  blasting the Knife in her truck as it snowed.

I went to the gym and blasted The Knife in my headphones. Then I studied for the GRE until I was sooo sleepy.


In my dream I was learning a new visual coding language that connects objects together – like a river system and the flora/fauna surrounding… Massive 3d spatial code that affects things in the physical world by affecting things in the physical world.

I woke actual up at 5 (having had disturbed sleep) and the t33n party was still raging. I considered going to the gym but was ultimately too sleepy, then slept late and wasn’t able to go to the gym or bank as I had planned (and was late for work). Also the t33ns ate the lunch I had packed for myself the night before.

Mom said I could come over after work because I didn’t want to be tempted to clean our house, what with the comical swarm of December-flies buzzing over the insane carnage of t33n irony.



Dad, Noah, and I watched Down by Law. Noah had suggested we go to Jambo but they were closed, I made curried lentil stew with a lot of coconut cream.

Crocket got a new job as head proprietor at Mocna and we had “Euro beers” at lunch. In the evening we went to the show at Ghost, after I spent some time using the laser cutter at Meow Wolf.

I had felt like puking all day (probably the stomach flu that Noah had earlier) and didn’t eat but figured I should do stuff anyway because I am myself and an idiot.

At the Ghost show Sam (age 20) had stolen a bottle of gin, which he handed to me (several times). So for dinner I had gin.

My sense of trying-not-to-puke was overpowered by a feeling of heartbreak.

Xtian and MC noticed, asked if I wanted to talk. I wept on their floor. They made me chamomile tea. I went to bed.

In morning I dreamed that I was at Jay’s. He was erasing Angelo’s “chart” from the psychic space of his house, and replacing it with my own.

In an example of one of my best skills – being able to read text clearly in dreams, I had emailed Angelo and elucidated my emotional state.

He replied something that was a reference to a game, and also a joke, which I found to be clever. I looked up the reference and it meant something about always being part of one another’s souls – get over ur luv, dream-me. 

When I got to work Bea was not there and Shobhan took me to the breezeway to explain. I texted Bea and offered to bring her beer.

For lunch I went on on an errand to Office Depot with Crocket. I was self-absorbed in bemoaning my heartbreak. By the time we were done I was feeling lightheaded from not eating for two days.

After work I bought a six pack for me and Bea and we each slurped two IPAs as I prepared spring rolls. We decided to get Tina and go clubbing, because that is the most ironic/appropriate thing to do when you are heartbroken/fired. We figured we would get drunk and dance and then find our appetites for dinner.

The UK-minimal-Dj-or-whatever was cancelled (#HowToSantaFe) so we went to The Matador and danced to surf rock. Tina and Bea had overpriced cheap beer . I asked my friend Tim (the DJ) if he had Ros Sereysothea or Los Saicos.

Finally, at Tina’s, I remembered what it is to be a human being who needs to consume nutrients and joyfully ate half a wok of fried rice. Tina, Bea and I fell asleep in a pile together.