The man who provided drugs and then made everyone pancakes at the last cabin rave shot himself at the cross of the martyrs recently. Whenever I drive down Paseo de Peralta from work I think about that, and about how downtown in general is loaded with sorrow and nostalgia.

Downtown Santa Fe is also full of Pueblo Revival Architecture: racist originally and racist in replication. I have no place to talk about this racism, considering the ways in which I belong to this landscape, built or otherwise.

I walk around my hometown, where I have sweet jobs, friends and memories, thinking about how I don’t belong here and don’t want to live here.