A guy I met in competition for a barista-job has been wanting to collaborate with me, he has a degree in film and dreams of being a director. I have pointed out that everything he says or does is sexist, but he has used his big white-man logic to explain that no, he is actually not sexist.
He sent me his screenplay to look over: the short is about an ever-expanding group of men who are painting a woman at a coffee shop (without her knowledge). She eventually looks at all of their paintings (their fantasies of her) and choses one to couple with.
The woman at the coffee shop is reading a book and I suggested the title: “Le Voyeur” by Alain Robbe-Grillet.
I made notes of places where I saw necessary grammar/punctuation/phrasing changes, particularly in regard to the random capitalization of “She” “Her and “Woman.” Saying: “It is confusing to call the protagonist “She” or “Her” as a name but this may be for the sake of allegory. Pick one, or just give her a different name, even if it’s as simple as “The Woman”
Here is the rest of my critique:
Story wise I liked how surreal the screenplay became as it unfolded. This could be emphasized with camera work and after effects, I immediately picture zooming out/panning/vertigo shots along the lines of a Marco Brambilla collage, especially in sequences that show all of the men’s paintings. I would also use voyeuristic cinematography to the point of making the viewer uncomfortable.
It is clever that you have made the female character into the embodiment of the male gaze itself. To further this idea visually, I might made the woman flicker and turn into Anthony (Man #17) for a second as they are walking off together.
Overall this short is an interesting exploration of male subjectivity/female objectivity. I can picture a cinematically-maximalist final product.
After I sent this off I didn’t heard from the budding film maker again…